remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
