just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
