There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
