its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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