Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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