i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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