I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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