Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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