God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I fill condoms, not promises.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
