i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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