found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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