Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
50% drunk capacity currently
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
