Don't you send me to vm
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
