Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
