I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
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i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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