He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Randomize
