The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
