new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
