is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
