There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
