I think i peed on brittanys purse
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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