Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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