She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
