my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect