you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.