i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
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The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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