is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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