Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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