She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
