Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
