some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
