its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
