I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
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Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
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She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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