dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
