my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
