My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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