I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
