she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he quoted the bible to break up with me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
