did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
