Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
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Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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