I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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