Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
