somebody snuck up and got me drunk
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
