I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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