you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
