Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
