That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
