is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
