How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
