currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
