the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
