she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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