i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
