i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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