apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
