Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
