That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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