So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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