How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
