so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
